Rosie O’Donnell sues Enzyte claiming product never worked for her.

Former co-host of the hit television show The View, actress, outspoken political critic, and Sumo wrestler, Rosie O’Donnell, added herself to the enormous list of celebrity lawsuits by taking the penis enlargement company Enzyte to court. O’Donnell is attempting to wring a reported $45 million from the pharmaceutical giant’s towel of corporate profit that has been continuously jizzed on by a veritable circle-jerk of mostly male customers, which includes wannabe porn stars, high school football players, and Ben Affleck.

“I’m extremely angry about this,” claimed Rosie while speaking to reporters just outside the steps of the U.S. Supreme Court in Washington D.C. “I was extremely hopeful when I first started taking the Enzyte pills for its advertised ‘all-natural enhancement’ that it would spice up my love life with Ann Heche. Ann is a great girl but is in constant need of enormously large cock, hence why she left Ellen Degeneres. After ingesting these wonder pills for three months, my winky is still way too small.”

Enzyte is a product best known for its television commercials depicting the character “Smiling Bob”. It advertises all-natural male enhancement; or in layman’s terms, it’s supposed to make your penis bigger and help you get hot chicks. Enzyte is owned by the company, Berkley Premium Nutraceuticals, and its product’s effectiveness has been in dispute for some time now. Spokesman for the company at the hearing, Harry Palmer, feels confident about legal victory for Enzyte. “I’m confident that we have this law suit in the bag. I mean, our product is for men, and Rosie O’Donnell is…well…a woman…right? Um…I think she is. I must admit that Rosie does have an Adam’s Apple, hideous amounts of body hair, and the tendency to drool at random times, but that doesn’t mean she’s not female…I hope.”

O’Donnell scoffed at critics who say she is just trying to get more media attention after allegedly being fired from The View for her controversial rants. “This is about self respect and the business integrity that must exist between company and client. I would never do anything outrageous in order to get media attention.”

O’Donnell cut the interview short so that she could feast on her lunch of an entire midget with gravy on the side.

Paris Hilton competes in the Special Olympics, wins Bronze

The heir to the Hilton hotel empire, Miss Paris Hilton, did her family namesake proud last weekend as she earned the bronze medal at the Special Olympics, which were held in Orlando, Florida. The event in question in which Paris won third place was the pole vault. She placed just behind two other competitors from the Shady Woods School for Gifted People, Mongo Jones who won Silver, and Corky Seamen who clenched the Gold.

The Special Olympics regional competition organizer for the State of Florida, Regina Kowasaki, expressed her happiness and enthusiasm at having such a well known celebrity take part in the track and field portion of these time-honored games. The Special Olympics was established in 1962 by Eunice Kennedy Shriver as an organization to help people with intellectual disabilities (retards). Mrs. Kowasaki stated in a brief interview, “This was a very exciting event. We haven’t had a famous Special Olympian of Paris Hilton’s caliber since Bill O’Reilly in 1992.”

Paris Hilton’s special trainer for this event, Jenna Jameson, who is a famous star of adult films and author, is equally excited for her protégé as well as proud. “When I saw her home-made porn video on the internet,” says Jameson, “I knew right then and there that Paris really knew how to handle a pole. The way she caressed its base with the exact amount of firmness necessary for proper friction without losing grip was so masterful, that I knew she was a natural. I knew I could help to expand her talent of using long, hard objects in order to achieve success.”

Kathy Hilton, Paris’ mother, is more than overjoyed. She’s ecstatic for her young daughter’s success. “I knew from the moment she was born that Paris was destined for great things,” her mother told reporters over the phone. “Even from a very young age, I could tell she was special. She would constantly have a lollipop in her mouth while she straddled the stairway banister at home, pretending she was riding a horse or some other meaty animal, usually with no hands. Now that’s talent.”

Paris was unavailable for an interview. Her personal assistant said she is currently undergoing a grueling training schedule for her next event with the Green Bay Packers.