Former co-host of the hit television show The View, actress, outspoken political critic, and Sumo wrestler, Rosie O’Donnell, added herself to the enormous list of celebrity lawsuits by taking the penis enlargement company Enzyte to court. O’Donnell is attempting to wring a reported $45 million from the pharmaceutical giant’s towel of corporate profit that has been continuously jizzed on by a veritable circle-jerk of mostly male customers, which includes wannabe porn stars, high school football players, and Ben Affleck.
“I’m extremely angry about this,” claimed Rosie while speaking to reporters just outside the steps of the U.S. Supreme Court in Washington D.C. “I was extremely hopeful when I first started taking the Enzyte pills for its advertised ‘all-natural enhancement’ that it would spice up my love life with Ann Heche. Ann is a great girl but is in constant need of enormously large cock, hence why she left Ellen Degeneres. After ingesting these wonder pills for three months, my winky is still way too small.”
Enzyte is a product best known for its television commercials depicting the character “Smiling Bob”. It advertises all-natural male enhancement; or in layman’s terms, it’s supposed to make your penis bigger and help you get hot chicks. Enzyte is owned by the company, Berkley Premium Nutraceuticals, and its product’s effectiveness has been in dispute for some time now. Spokesman for the company at the hearing, Harry Palmer, feels confident about legal victory for Enzyte. “I’m confident that we have this law suit in the bag. I mean, our product is for men, and Rosie O’Donnell is…well…a woman…right? Um…I think she is. I must admit that Rosie does have an Adam’s Apple, hideous amounts of body hair, and the tendency to drool at random times, but that doesn’t mean she’s not female…I hope.”
O’Donnell scoffed at critics who say she is just trying to get more media attention after allegedly being fired from The View for her controversial rants. “This is about self respect and the business integrity that must exist between company and client. I would never do anything outrageous in order to get media attention.”
O’Donnell cut the interview short so that she could feast on her lunch of an entire midget with gravy on the side.
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