So, you’ve been drinking Natural Ice and Wild Turkey throughout the night and you live in Smalltown, America. You need a place to go to keep yourself entertained log enough to sober up. After all, you don’t want to drive drunk which will not only result in jail time, but also any number of embarrassing situations such as believing the police want to play bumper cars with you or your ex-lover really wants you to park in her living room. Wal-Mart is the perfect place to lay low and find fun things to do. But first, you’ll need to know a few things about the place in order for you to come out alive.

Firstly, Wal-Mart stands for Wrecking American Labor-Markets and Reaping Trillions. Wal-Mart is able to provide the American Bovine Consumer (ABC) with a myriad of goods at pre-1829 prices due to the fact that they utilize the assembly-lined, militant labor ethics of the hard working, disciplined Chinese people (sweat shop slaves). Damn, that Kung Fu is awesome! Now, I know some of you are asking, “Doesn’t Wal-Mart use laborers from India?” Not as of yet. The superstore still hasn’t encroached onto 7-11’s territory.

Regardless, an ABC can go to this utopia of consumerism and buy anything he or she wants. Need a bull whip, stool, and hula-hoop for your cousin the lion tamer? No problem. Going to a fetish, bondage, and Tupperware party? Wal-Mart has a large selection of ropes, pulleys, branding irons, Care Bears, ball gags, Type O Negative records, railroad spikes, pink leather chaps, the 2nd season of Little House on the Prairie, and enough plastic containers to store it all. If you’re a member of any of the following terrorist groups: Hamas, Al Qaeda, Fox News, Hezbollah, Japanese Red Army, Internal Revenue Service, Irish Republican Army, Aryan Nation, or the cast of Friends, then you’re in luck. Wal-Mart offers bulk discounts on uranium-235.

When you first approach the store, I recommend circling the building first. You want to be on the look out for snipers and Predator. If the exterior is clear, it should be safe to proceed. Your team of drunks should then stack up on the door S.W.A.T. style. Well, as best as drunks can, anyway. If the front of the entrance isn’t booby-trapped, enter quickly. Remember from your training that all building entryways are considered fatal funnels of fire. You want to clear these ASAP. Once through, you’ll encounter your first degenerate, brain eating lich lord…er-I mean, the Wal-Mart greeter. They look something like this:

If this monstrosity accosts you with strange phrases like “Hello, welcome to Wal-Mart” or “All your base are belong to us”, then this is an indication the greeter intends to attack. To keep your flesh intact, I recommend beating the assailant with something readily available. I find cricket bats and midgets work the best. Now you’re inside and free to roam about. But what to do? That’s entirely up to you, but here are some entertaining suggestions.

*Go to the sporting goods section and grab yourself a fishing pole and lure. Then go to the pet section and set your lure into any one of the 2,000 fish tanks they have. Supper! If a Wal-Mart employee asks you what you’re doing, throw your ninja smoke bomb on the floor and disappear.

*Go to the deli section and get a package of fresh fish fillets. Remove all those fillets and stash them in various parts of the store. After a week, they’ll be as smelly and slimy as Paris Hilton’s twat. It could take the store the better part of a month to find them all.

During this time, you still have to be cautious. Wal-Mart tends to have roving packs of mutants. I’m sure you’ve seen them on late nights. Those people that got evicted from their trailers because their only source of income is bull milking. They’re easily recognizable by their large, sloped foreheads, hairy, protruding stomachs, and mullets. Their pack leaders can be spotted by the Confederate flag hat he wears. If you see these mutants, try your best to avoid them. If, however, if you encounter them from December to February, run! This is their mating season and they may attempt to mount you on the spot.

Now that you’ve had your fun and you’re now sober enough to sneak back into your own house, it’s time to make your escape. Your best bet is to cause some kind of distraction. This can be accomplished by placing timed explosives in the automotive section. When the blast hits, people will be rushing to make sure nothing happened to those life-sized effigies of Dale Earnhardt, tractor tires, and cheetah skin seat covers. This is your chance.

As you’re making your way through the exit, you may be challenged again by the same Wal-Mart greeter you bludgeoned earlier (they are undead after all). If you don’t have your midget handy, just use your cricket bat and club them like a baby seal and all should be fine.

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