I recently got a chance to see The Davinci Code. I have to say that it followed the book pretty well. Except of course for the mysterious appearance of Darth Vader at the very end of the film claiming to be Jesus’ father. If I remember correctly, Vader offered his son to join the dark side of the force, but instead he was cast from the mountain and cured of blindness…or something. Then Jesus was whisked away by Mary Magdalene after three days, leaving Cloud City aboard the Millennium Falcon. All kidding aside, it wasn’t Vader’s blindness that was cured, but his asthma.

The movie was fairly decent. If you had read the book beforehand like I did, then nothing in it was a surprise. I was already aware of the damming secrets revealed in the book that the Vatican has been trying to stifle for the last two thousand years. For example, Pontius Pilot was an avid cricket player and Judas enjoyed gangster rap music. This is why I can’t understand why some many people have been up in arms about this movie. Even in Bahrain. I read that there were a few Christians in that country (seven in total) that petitioned the government to have the movie banned. See if this sinks in. A few Christians in an Arab Muslim country try to get a movie about Christianity’s secrets banned. All I have to say to that is HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Of course their petition went about as far as a fat guy on roller skates.

The entire thing reminded me of the time when I first moved to Georgia. Upon crossing the state line, I saw a sign that read, “Welcome to Georgia. Set your watch back 40 years.” And then the tune “Dueling Banjos” started playing. To this day, I still have no idea where the music came from. However, some coworkers told me that there had recently been, and I’m completely serious about this, Harry Potter book burnings. Yes, you read that right. A bunch of ultra-religious conservatives felt that Harry Potter was the devil incarnate, because he attends a school of magic. Saying that a children’s story that inspires the youth of today to read books is satanic is just as stupid as eating breakfast cereal with chopsticks. We all know that Barney the Dinosaur is the devil.

These people, most of them back woods country folk, you know the types with four teeth, mullets, and a gene pool that someone peed in, went to the store, purchased dozens of copies of any Harry Potter book, and ritualistically burned them. The bonfire was reportedly high enough to see from Jim Bob’s Tree Shack, which is just down the dirt road from Jethro’s Tractor and Billiards Emporium, and right next to Helga’s House of Humpback Hephers. When J.K. Rowling heard about the book burnings, I’m sure she cried about it all the way to the bank, getting a ride in a Waahmbulance. She probably even stopped at a McDonald’s to order a Waahmburger with a side of French Cries.

The bovine-like masses shouldn’t get their collective panties in a bunch over a novel. Sure, a senior Vatican official deemed “The Davinci Code” a sack of lies. But when you go to a bookstore, you find Dan Brown’s adventure thriller where you find all the other sacks of lies…in the fiction section. Yes, “The Davinci Code” is a fictional story. Remember, other great works of literature like “The Great Gatsby” and “Green Eggs and Ham” are fictional. So if your faith is weak enough to be shattered by a fiction novel, not even Dr Phil can help you. So in closing, I think I’m going to go watch “Star Wars” for hidden messages so I can write a bestseller called “The Skywalker Code”.