As you may know, gas prices in this country have reached over $4.00 a gallon. If you didn’t know that, then perhaps you’ve been out of touch with society by living in a cave somewhere, or Dick Cheney’s bunker, or in the dungeon where Tom Cruise keeps Katie Holmes. Gas prices have never been this high in this country. Yes, I know it’s uber expensive. But hey, at least we’re not in Europe where gasoline costs $52,154 per liter and a kidney. With the cost of fuel rising, it also causes the cost of food to rise. This is because most food in this country is transported by way of diesel trucks, diesel trains, and Vin Diesel. This means that your friendly neighborhood fat guy will have to dig a little deeper into his piggy(pun intended) bank in order to have his deep-fried, gravy-covered pizza burrito Twinkie.
What shall we all do? Is there anything any of us can do to offset the price we pay to feed our addiction to that gaping maw of corporate sin? The industry in question is greedy beyond all doubt by providing what every American needs like a Bronx crack dealer. They pull us in to forever pay their piper so that we may succumb to false delight as they spew their product all over us. But enough about the internet porn industry. It’s time to talk about oil companies.
Congress recently called in the executives from the big name oil companies such as ExxonMobile, Chevron, SuckiTechron, and MakemeRichCo to testify. The members of the House of Representatives graciously, and in the most polite way possible, asked the CEOs if they would please, pretty please with sugar on top, lower gas prices. The oil company executives responded by telling the members of Congress to go fuck themselves, farting into the microphone, and then walking out. Just like a pussy-whipped boyfriend who will never get that blowjob from the succubus he’s with, Congress only said, “Ok…call me.”
With the current epidemic of high fuel costs, I have listed below a few transportation alternatives. I promise you that they are inexpensive. They will also be environment friendly enough so that Al Gore and Leo Dicapprio won’t come over to your house and force you to buy a hybrid and have kinky sex. Hey, I know what you’re thinking, but I read in a science magazine somewhere that gang bangs in the back of a Toyota Prius are good for Mother Earth. Anyway, on to the alternatives.
Corn Powered Pogo Stick- Remember all the fun you had when you were eight years old and you tried to use a pogo stick, but only resulted in one bounce and then falling off the roof? Well, maybe that was just me. But now, by ramming a corn cob half way up your rear, you’ll have the proper motivation to keep that pogo stick going. If you fall, that corn cob is going in all the way. It might even hit the back of your teeth.
Green Card Powered Mexican- This one is easy. Just go to your nearest Home Depot or Texas, and put a saddle and bridle over the first Mexican you find. In order to go anywhere you want just put a Green Card and/or a bottle of Tequilla on the end of a stick and dangle in front of the Mexican’s face.
Rightwing Fueled Hot Air Balloon- This form of transportation is fairly simple. Just get yourself a hot air balloon, or highjack one, and a CD player with large speakers. With your CD player and strategically placed speakers, you will play broadcasts of the media’s most annoying rightwing pundits. With just a little bit of Douche Limbaugh, Bill “I love the cock” O’Reilly, and that undead hooker, Ann Coulter, speaking their minds, your balloon will be full of hot air in no time.
The general message here is that everyone can chip in to curb the fuel crunch and the threat to the environment- Michael Jackson and Martha Stewart are still alive by the way. So everyone, gather up some beers and some good friends and squeeze yourselves into the back of a hybrid. Remember, you’re not just doing it for the pleasure. You’re fucking to fight Global Warming.
