I’m currently trying to lose weight. It can be very aggravating because my body lacks a metabolism. I’m serious. If I consume just one celery stick, I’ll bloat up like a dead body in the Hudson River. If I even smell a pizza, within a matter of days I’ll need a wheel barrel to carry around my pooch. Okay. Maybe I’m exaggerating a little bit. But one of my love handles will weigh at least as much as your average supermodel. Not your anorexic, coke-induced supermodel, but the standard bulimic supermodel that an Ethiopian would call skinny. Now, if what I just said offended you, then you are obviously not a super model or an Ethiopian, so get over it. Because we all know supermodels can’t read and Ethiopians have better things to do than surf the internet, like hunting and gathering.
This has led me to believe that the scent of food, in fact, has calories. People who gain weight easily have hypersensitive noses that can pick up these lard calories from out of the very air. Whereas people who can eat anything and not look worse for the wear must have defunct nasal glands. Doesn’t it make you sick that there are people who can stick a funnel in their mouth, drop in a bag of M&Ms, a stick of butter, and a gallon of ice cream, and not gain any weight? What’s even worse is these types of people have the audacity to say, Man, I can’t believe I’m so thin. I’m still hungry too. I think I’ll eat a sumo wrestler. This statement usually comes immediately after they’ve consumed enough sugar byproducts to send all of Latvia into diabetic shock.
So, I have an exercise regimen that includes a lot of running because running is basically the way to go to lose fat. I can tell you right now from personal experience that the beer and pizza diet does not work. Shocker, isn’t it? That must be the source of the obesity problem facing America these days. Everyone seems to think that rushing to the front door when the pizza delivery guy comes knocking is considered exercise. That and the fact that every day your average American citizen consumes enough food to single handedly support Iraq’s Oil for Food Program. Even Jabba the Hutt would bow out of an eating contest with some of the gargantuan, bovines in our society saying, Jabba no batta. Ho ho ho!
The most important thing to remember in weight loss is diet and exercise. I’m sure if you paid Richard Simmons enough, he would chase you around while wearing a leather bondage outfit. Anyone, I repeat anyone, would lose weight really fast with that thing chasing you. As far as your diet, just learn to take it easy. You don’t need to eat a four-story, ultra-cheese, triple bypass, bacon burger. If you have extra junk food in your pantry that you’d like to get rid of so you can avoid the temptation, just Fed Ex it to Ethiopia. Well, I’m signing off now. I need a pizza.
